Our Phone Will Only Ring When Someone Else’s Sperm Has Done It’s Thing

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Everyday my wife and I feel totally and utterly alone in our battle with infertility. We watch from our Facebook window to the world as people we know are experiencing the joys of parenthood. We get to see pictures and posts of them all getting together. It seems like all our friends and family are together all of the time hanging out and all their kids are even best friends. Some of them wouldn’t even know each other if it weren’t for our common friendship. So while we wait and plan for something that we desperately want, but might never have, we feel excluded from so much, seemingly just because we don’t have kids.

Let me throw in here that I know the Facebook perception might not be a reality, but the way I feel about what I see is very real. Which is why I started this blog in the first place: to let people know how I (and probably others) feel.

Every now and then our phone rings and our faces light up when we see that the number is a loved one who we would love to hang out with! One of two things happen when we answer the phone:
1. The person small talks us for three seconds and then says
something like, “I wanted to tell you before you saw it on Facebook,
WE’RE PREGNANT! Alright talk to you later”
2. They immediately invite us to hang out! Then we get together and
they say something like, “I wanted to tell you before you saw it on
Facebook, WE’RE PREGNANT!”

It has come to the point that when someone does call us, text us, Facebook message us, or want to hang my first thought is, “They must be pregnant.” Sometimes, it feels like people don’t talk to us until they want to tell us they’re pregnant. Lives are busy, I get it. The phone works both ways, I get that too. I know sometimes we aren’t able to make time for each other because there is just so much going on in each of our lives. I just wish that a pregnancy announcement was not the only time a phone call was made.

I do not write this post to tell you how to tell your infertile friends that you are pregnant, that is a whole other topic that I hope to write on that another time. I write this to tell you that your infertile friends feel lonely. Both of them, the guy and the girl feel completely alone. Please, please, please, don’t let your pregnancy announcement be the only time that you make time for your friends without kids.

Thanks for reading,
Just another story from a Childless Father.
– CF

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Things I Guess I’ll Never Learn

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Scroll around on the internet for a little while or just have a conversation with any parent and you’ll find out quickly that there are some things you learn when you become a parent.

Here are some of the things I have heard or read about people learning once they became a parent. They learn for the first time how to love, they learn patience and compassion, real self-sacrifice, perspective on life, true responsibility, and discipline. Or, my personal favorite, becoming a parent teaches you how meaningless EVERYTHING else is in life once you have a baby.

So, as someone has been in the infertility battle for 64 months I guess these are things that I will never learn. I am already daily mourning the fact that I may never hold a baby that is half me and half my wife, and the fact that I may miss out on the fabled midnight run to the store for watermelon/pickle/steak & blue cheese sandwiches (which sounds amazing by the way!), or that I may miss out on seeing my wife with a baby bump, or soccer practice, or driving my own kids to school, or getting a call from school about my kid acting like a dog in class, or a father/daughter dance, or everything else I may miss out on never having a baby.

But I am now being made aware that there are somethings that you apparently do not even learn until you have a baby!!

I thought I had a good grasp on true love when I came home from losing my job, insurance, and house all in the same day and my amazing wife hugged me while I was sobbing on the floor and said, “You haven’t lost everything, you still have me and I love you.”

I thought I learned about compassion and perspective when I went to Haiti and met so many people in need, yet they were still smiling through life. Then going back the next year and giving out stuffed animals to orphans not because they needed them, but because we wanted to make sure they felt loved.

I thought I learned about patience from planning my life around ovulation schedules, no baths or hot tubes (even though my fibromyalgia is killing my back and joints), making sure cellphones are not in my pocket, laptops are not on my lap, boxers over briefs, fish oil burps, choking down hourly multivitamins, all just to see my wife fall apart when another month passes by knowing we are not pregnant.

I thought I had a handle on self sacrifice and responsibility when kids from my youth group would call me or knock at my door at 3:00 in the morning because they needed someone to talk to or a safe place to be.

Do you see where I’m going here? Even though life has taught me some pretty tough lessons, I tend to constantly feel devalued as a person simply because I do not have kids. Let me be clear, I do not think that most people try to make me feel this way, but it is how I feel.

And, honestly, even though this is how I feel so often, I can sit there and listen about all these lessons and be perfectly fine. I can read and even “like” your FB statuses about it too. I generally like hearing my friends share the joys of parenthood with me, to some extent. That is, I am fine until I hear the, “Everything else seems so meaningless now that I have kids” or the “You just become such a better person once you have kids” or the “You just wouldn’t understand because you don’t have kids.” Then I’m done! These are the things that make me try to blow up your head with my mind powers! (It hasn’t actually ever worked, BTW.) I’d say I was sorry as I storm out of the room punching the walls and doors, but, as they have already pointed out: I have never learned patience!

Thanks for reading
Just another story from the Childless Father.
-CF